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Memo to pets
  • When I say move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
  • The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
  • Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
  • The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object of the game. Tripping me doesn’t help either, as I fall faster than you can run.
  • I cannot buy anything bigger that a king size bed, I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Please look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extend possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
  • My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
  • For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years and canine and/or feline attendance has never been necessary.
  • The proper order is kiss me first then go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough. I would be such a simple change for you.
  • In return for following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets :
  1. They live here. You don’t.
  2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
  4. To you it’s an animal. To me s/he is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
  5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all of the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
 
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